overdose
the question has never been
"will I be enough?"
always
"when do I become too much?"
I've tried chopping myself up
into a smooth, fine grain
and dividing into thin white lines
ready to fly through your bronchi
and seep into your bloodstream
I've watched myself disappear
into a thousand colorful explosions
of dopamine and serotonin
lighting up neuron pathways
and slowly damaging the receptors
they come back, over and over
bloodshot eyes and trembling hands
until
they can't come back any more
sometimes I think
I was created to destroy them
this time around, I see
the explosions in his eyes
even before he takes a hit
and he inhales
with a force that leaves me scattered
he doesn't need me
he never will
so I wonder if this means
that I can forget the small plastic bags
leave behind the careful measurements
and exist in the purest form
or will this be the end for me
I go back, over and over
cheeks flushed and pupils dilated
until
I find out the answer