overdose

the question has never been

"will I be enough?"

always

"when do I become too much?"

I've tried chopping myself up

into a smooth, fine grain

and dividing into thin white lines

ready to fly through your bronchi

and seep into your bloodstream

I've watched myself disappear

into a thousand colorful explosions

of dopamine and serotonin

lighting up neuron pathways

and slowly damaging the receptors

they come back, over and over

bloodshot eyes and trembling hands

until

they can't come back any more

sometimes I think

I was created to destroy them

this time around, I see

the explosions in his eyes

even before he takes a hit

and he inhales

with a force that leaves me scattered

he doesn't need me

he never will

so I wonder if this means

that I can forget the small plastic bags

leave behind the careful measurements

and exist in the purest form

or will this be the end for me

I go back, over and over

cheeks flushed and pupils dilated

until

I find out the answer